Unspoken Desires
by JagfanNat
Summary: He's been holding his feelings in for so long, that Harm doesn't know how much longer he can hold out before he just HAS to tell Mac. But is she ready and does she feel the same? Sucky summary, I know. Hopefully the story's better! Let me know. T to M.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own JAG, or any of the characters, but I live in hope!!In the meantime, I just play with them now and then.

Special thanks as always to **Nettie**, without whose encouragement, threats and blackmail, this story would NEVER have seen the light of day. So, if you like it, make sure you thank her too by reading and reviewing her fantastic stories. (If you don't, forget I said anything!)

This story was written for **Miss Kym**, who threw out a challenge to me, which I hope I have met to her satisfaction.

Set after Hail & Farewell (part 1); only difference is that Webb is really dead, no faking (sorry to Webb fans). Some references to "Yeah, baby" also.

UNSPOKEN DESIRES – By JagfanNat

Part 1

"You know, men seem to, um, pass through my life. Except for you. Will you always be there?"

"Yes."

"Then you need to know what the doctor told me."

MAC'S APARTMENT

GEORGETOWN, WASHINGTON, DC.

SATURDAY 2255 LOCAL

"You know, I got myself to the Dining Out, I was quite capable of getting myself home, too."

"I know, Mac, but thanks for humoring me. I feel better knowing you are home safe."

"Guess I'll see you at the office on Monday, then?"

Not wanting to leave her just yet, Harm moved toward the kitchen.

"Why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring you a nice cup of cocoa."

Before Mac could answer, Harm had disappeared into the kitchen. Too tired to argue, she called out

"Don't forget the marshmallows!"

Cocoa in hand, Harm made his way to Mac's bedroom. He was just about to knock on the door, which was slightly ajar, when he heard Mac crying. Not waiting to be invited in, he entered. Placing the cocoa on the bedside table, he sat on the edge of her bed and took her in his arms. Mac held onto him for dear life, sobbing.

"Oh, Mac! What can I do to make things better?" he asked, gently stroking her back.

"You're doing it," she answered simply.

Mac finally stopped crying half an hour later, but she didn't move from Harm's arms. So he continued to hold her, whispering words of comfort.

"It's gonna be okay, Mac. I'm here. We'll get through this, you'll see." His heart breaking for the woman in his arms, he wanted to add that he loved her. But now was not the time. Mac was in mourning: not only for Webb, but also for the children she may never have.

Even in her haze of tears, the word "we" was not lost on Mac. But she was too tired to respond, so she did the only thing she could at that moment; she held onto Harm even tighter, if that was possible.

Another half hour went by when Harm realized that Mac had fallen asleep in his arms. Slowly and gently he laid Mac back against her pillows and tucked her in. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead and took the untouched cup of cocoa back to the kitchen.

Emptying the now cold cocoa in the sink and washing the cup, Harm decided he couldn't leave Mac alone. So, he made his way to the living room, where he undressed down to his boxers and T-shirt, neatly hanging his Mess Dress uniform over the back of a dining chair. He lay down on the couch and covered himself with the blanket Mac kept over the back of the couch. Trying to get comfortable, he stared towards Mac's bedroom, knowing he would get little sleep.

A little after three in the morning, Harm heard movement from Mac's room. The apartment was in darkness except for the moonlight streaming through the windows; enough light for him to make out Mac's form coming from her room.

"Are you okay, Mac?" he asked quietly, trying not to startle her, knowing she wouldn't expect him to still be there.

"Jeez, Harm, you scared the daylights outta me. What are you doing here; you should be home in bed?"

"Sorry, Mac. I didn't want to leave you alone, you seemed so upset."

"I'm sorry about that Harm. I didn't want you to see me like that." she said, somewhat embarrassed, as she made her way to the kitchen for a glass of water. Harm followed.

"Don't apologize, Mac. It's normal for you to be upset with everything that has been happening. I'm glad I could be here for you." Harm said as Mac drank half a glass of water.

Ashamed to say it, Mac was glad Harm was there for her too, so she simply answered "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, Mac." Under the cover of darkness, Harm found the courage to continue, "I meant what I said last night; every word of it. I _do_ want to be a part of your life, not just a spectator looking in on it. Please let me in, Mac."

"I don't know if I can, Harm. My head is so mixed up at the moment," she replied leaning back on the kitchen bench.

"I understand. It's a lot to deal with all at once. But promise me you won't shut me out. If you can't let me in yet, then let me be by your side while you sort it all out."

Mac stared out the window. After everything, he was still there for her, no strings attached. Always. But she knew if she agreed to this, there would have to be boundaries set in place. When Harm got something into his head, he was like a dog with a bone; unwilling to let it go. She turned back towards him and said "Okay, but you have to let me deal with things on my own terms, in my own time. And, if and when I'm ready to talk, I'll come to you. Deal?"

Harm let out the breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, held out his hand and said "Deal". Mac took his hand in a firm handshake and, surprising both of them, took an extra step and placed her hands around his waist in a gentle hug. Harm returned the gesture by pulling Mac even closer, rubbing her back in a soothing circular motion. They stayed that way for long minutes, content in each other's arms.

Finally, Harm reluctantly released his hold and said "You should get back to bed and get some rest."

"You can talk," she replied, knowing that he would be just as tired as her.

"I didn't just have surgery, Mac," he answered leading her through the living room, back to her bedroom. "I'll be on the couch, if you need anything," he said as Mac got herself settled back into bed.

"I don't want you sleeping on the couch, Harm. You'll barely be able to walk tomorrow, twisted like a pretzel all night."

"I'm not going home at this hour, so don't worry about me, Mac, I'll be fine." he answered.

"Well if I can't convince you to go home, you may as well sleep here. It's not like we've never shared a bed before."

Hesitating, Harm couldn't help but think he'd never shared _her_ bed.

"Come on Harm, I won't bite." Mac teased.

"Okay, marine, you win."

"As well I should," Mac answered smugly as Harm climbed into bed next to her.

"Goodnight, Mac."

"G'night, Harm."

MAC'S APARTMENT

GEORGETOWN, WASHINGTON, DC.

SUNDAY 0944 LOCAL

Mac stirred from sleep feeling cocooned in a beautiful warmth. Inhaling deeply, she recognized the unmistakable scent of the love of her life. She'd know his scent anywhere. Opening her eyes slowly, adjusting to the morning light, she was faced with Harm's T-shirt clad chest. 'It's not a dream!' she thought as she gently tried to pull away from his embrace without waking him. Instinctively, Harm pulled her closer, tightening his grip, as he kissed the top of her head. "I love you" he clearly murmured, still asleep himself.

Mac froze, her eyes widened in shock at what she'd heard. 'Maybe I _am_ dreaming!' she thought as she squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again. 'Definitely not dreaming.' Thinking back to the previous night, Mac couldn't remember how she had ended up in Harm's embrace. She wondered whether he knew he was holding her or whether he was dreaming of someone else being in his arms when he'd said what he'd just said. 'Did he really say _I love you_?' she wondered. Just then, Harm stirred awake. Mac, sensing this, closed her eyes pretending to be asleep, hoping to avoid awkward moment four hundred and thirty-eight.

Harm awoke to the smell of Mac's shampoo, his face buried in her hair. 'It's not a dream!' he thought, smiling. Although, he had been having a wonderful dream of Mac and him sailing on a beautiful yacht in the Bahamas. She looked so gorgeous in that yellow bikini, he remembered, that he couldn't help but tell her how much he loved her. He so wished that dream had been real. Then he wouldn't have to hold his feelings at bay anymore. It was getting harder and harder to do so.

He tenderly kissed the top of Mac's head without thought, and gently untangled himself from her to go and prepare them some breakfast. Whisking eggs for an omelette, he gave some more thought to the idea he had had last night whilst lying on the couch worrying about Mac. Resolving that he needed to talk to Sturgis first, as acting JAG, he decided not to mention it to Mac just yet.

Still in bed, Mac was somewhat concerned that she had just referred to Harm as 'the love of her life', given that, tomorrow, she was to attend Clayton Webb's memorial service. She and Clay had, after all, been a couple for about a year. And she had told him that she loved him. Thinking about it, all he had replied to her declaration was "I'm glad." So, she really had no idea as to his feelings for her before his death. Now honestly analyzing her own feelings, she realized that she had loved Clay, but that she was never _in_ love with him. Not like she was with Harm, and had been for many years. 'How did I get so screwed up?' she asked herself, as she finally got out of bed.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Harm greeted Mac as she leaned on the doorframe of the kitchen.

"Still a little sore, but better."

"Good. You're just in time for breakfast," Harm handed her a plate of omelette, grilled tomatoes and homemade hash browns.

"Thanks, looks delicious," she replied as they made their way to the dining table.

They ate in comfortable silence, each in their own thoughts, then Harm insisted on cleaning up and sent Mac to take her shower. Ten minutes later, Mac was still in the bathroom, when she heard a soft knock on the door.

"Mac?" Harm called out, thinking that only a one inch piece of wood separated him from a certain naked marine, causing his heart rate to increase.

"Yeah, Harm," Mac answered through the door.

"I'm gonna head home for a shower and some clean clothes. I'll come back later with dinner, O.. "

The door opened suddenly and Mac stepped out with only a towel wrapped around her. Surprised, Harm swallowed hard and suppressed a groan. "…OK?"

"You don't have to go to all that trouble, Harm. I'm sure I have a TV dinner in the freezer," she answered.

"No trouble at all, uh, unless you'd rather be alone. I mean, I don't want to…" Harm stammered.

He looked so adorable; Mac couldn't help but smile as she placed a finger to his lips.

"Dinner would be lovely, thanks," she almost whispered. In truth, she really didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want to have to admit it to Harm.

"Great," Harm sighed, "I'll see you later, then." Harm turned to leave.

"Bring ice cream," Mac called after him.

"You got it!" she heard shortly before she heard the door close.

Mac smiled as she returned to the bathroom to dry her hair. She was lucky to have such a good friend, she thought, as she turned on her hairdryer.

Mac spent the day resting, as per doctor's orders. She flipped through a few case files she'd brought home with her on Friday, but her mind just couldn't stay focused. Finally accepting the task as being futile, she put the files away in her briefcase, and grabbed the book she was halfway through reading. Snuggled comfortably under a throw, on the couch, she settled to read. After reading the same paragraph for the fourth time, she frustratingly tossed the book onto the coffee table. Now exasperated, she got up to make herself a sandwich and grab a bottle of water, and returned to eat in the lounge. Sitting back on the couch, she reached for the remote control and turned on the television, desperate for anything to distract her from thinking. She knew if she thought about it, she would be reduced to tears yet again. "Enough already, I'm a Marine!" she thought out loud. She flipped through the channels at a furious rate; infomercials, talk shows, documentaries, reality shows, quiz shows, more infomercials, westerns, hallmark, news, music videos, current affairs, comedy. Finally settling on a movie she had seen some years ago, but couldn't remember fully, Mac snuggled back under the throw to watch.

Where was he? He was here a minute ago. She looked around frantically; blood pressure rising, a thin sheen of sweat on her brow. Where did he go? She checked the bedroom, then the bathroom. Maybe he's in the kitchen? Now back to the lounge. Where was he? Finally running out of the apartment, she ran to the elevator and pushed the down button. This was taking too long. She made her way down the stairs at a rate far too fast for her own safety, but she had to find him. She stumbled just as she got to the exit door, but found her footing quickly. She broke through the door, looking left and right for any sign of him.

"Where are you?" she called out into the dark alley. Catching a glimpse of him as he turned the corner, she called out "Wait! Where are you going?" She ran in the same direction.

"Come back!" she yelled as she turned the corner at a cracking pace.

The sight awaiting her made her come to a grinding halt.

"No, no," she sobbed, dropping to her knees, gathering the lifeless child in her arms.

"NO!" she screamed, looking down at the boy's ashen face, his eyes still open. He had his father's eyes; Harm's eyes.

"No, no," she repeated over and over.

"Mac," Harm called to her, putting the bags down on the coffee table. He leaned over and caressed her tear-stained face when she didn't respond and called her name again, more forcefully.

Mac looked up at Harm and, registering that he was actually there, threw herself into his arms, sobbing.

"Shh, it's okay, I'm here." He held her tight, trying to soothe her, but she continued to sob uncontrollably for what felt like hours.

Finally feeling Mac's breathing slowly return to normal, Harm tried to pull back to look at her. But she gripped onto him tighter. "No. Don't let go," she whimpered.

"I won't, I promise," he said, cradling her head in the crook of his neck, as one would a child. Harm was distressed to see his strong marine in such a broken state. 'Had she really loved Webb that much?' he questioned. In his mind, the answer was obviously yes.

They stayed this way for long minutes until Harm finally asked, "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Mac didn't answer but shook her head slowly.

Harm had heard what she was yelling and screaming as he came into her apartment, so he asked, "Were you dreaming about Webb?"

It would have been perfectly understandable to him if she had been dreaming of Webb. After all, his death had been a shock to all of them; most of all to Mac, who had been going out with him for a year before his untimely death. And his memorial service was to be held in the morning, so it would be expected that Mac would be so upset. Hence, it was with great surprise that Harm once again felt Mac shake her head.

Harm hugged her tighter and asked, "Do you want me to make you some tea?"

"In a minute. Can you hold me a little longer?" Mac asked in a small voice.

"Forever, if you want," he replied, meaning every word.

Fifteen minutes later, Harm placed a cup of hot chamomile tea in Mac's hand and sat next to her, not saying a word, as she sipped it.

"Thank you, Harm. Not just for the tea, but for everything."

"Don't mention it." He so wanted to add 'I love you', but bit his tongue. Now was definitely not the time.

"You okay to sit here and rest while I get dinner ready?"

"Yeah," she sighed.

Dinner started out quiet and awkward and Harm was having trouble getting Mac to talk; not necessarily about her dream, but about anything. He tried to draw her out by asking questions, to which she gave only one word responses. He finally got up to clear the table, which took a couple of trips to the kitchen. Then, between trips, without thinking Harm leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Mac's forehead and continued to the kitchen.

"Why did you do that?" Mac asked Harm upon his return from the kitchen.

'Because I love you,' was what he wanted to say, but he didn't. Yet again. Instead he replied, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you and words haven't been having much effect tonight."

"I'm sorry…and, um, thank you," she blushed.

"Anytime," he smiled and went back to the kitchen to wash up.

Mac followed him and grabbed a dish towel to dry.

"Harm, would you come with me tomorrow?" she asked tentatively.

"Sure," Harm answered, "I was planning on going anyway so I asked for the day off."

He could have gone into work after the service, but had asked the Admiral last week if he could take the whole day. He didn't know how Mac would be on the day, and wanted to be available should she need him. Mac had taken three days leave, and wasn't due back at JAG until Thursday.

After dinner, Mac seemed more herself, which made Harm finally relax. He had been on edge since arriving late that afternoon and the fact that Mac wouldn't talk about it was making him crazy…and as a result, very tense. But he had promised her that he would not push, and that he would wait for her to come to him if and when she wanted to talk. And Harm was nothing, if not a man of his word….even if it was killing him.

Harm asked Mac if she wanted to play Scrabble after dinner, whilst having dessert, and Mac readily accepted, happy for the distraction.

The board now set up, the game half played, and empty ice-cream bowls to the side, Mac teased Harm about his seemingly one-track minded words he had played so far.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on Harm, don't tell me you didn't plan those words."

Looking down at the board as Mac pointed to all his words thus far in the game, she read them out. "Kiss, hold, lovers, pair, engage, together, and couple. Don't tell me you don't see a pattern here, Harm?" she asked incredulously, once again the feisty marine he loved.

"Now that you mention it, there does seem to be a pattern." Harm blushed. "But I promise it's purely unintentional," he added, thinking his subconscious had obviously taken over without his knowledge.

"Yeah, right! Your turn," Mac quipped.

Harm looked down at his tiles, then at the board again and groaned audibly. He couldn't possibly play **that **word, Mac would kill him. He scanned his tiles again desperately trying to find another word, any word that would fit the board. Nothing, except **that** one. He groaned again. 'Suck it up, NAVY,' he thought to himself before placing the two tiles down on either side of the available letter E on the board.

"Oh, come on!" Mac gasped, looking down at the board. "SEX?" she almost shrieked, looking up at Harm, who was trying to look innocent, shrugging his shoulders.

"What?" he asked, turning his tile holder around for her to see his tiles, "That's all I've got!" he continued with a cheeky smile on his face. "And with a Triple Letter Score, that makes it twenty-six points, Mac," he added smugly.

Mac wrote down Harm's score and, putting the pencil down, stretched out her arms and yawned loudly.

"We can finish this game another time, if you want to go to bed, Mac," Harm suggested, looking down to pick up two new tiles.

When she didn't answer, Harm looked over at her and saw her questioning look, her hands now on her hips.

"I mean go to sleep, as in you go to sleep…and, um, I go home," he stammered for the second time that day. He looked so adorable, Mac couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm just playing with you, Harm. I know what you meant….but you've got to admit, after that, there could have easily been another interpretation?" she asked, still smiling.

God, he loved her smile. "Um…Yeah," he answered simply and got up to take the ice-cream bowls to the kitchen.

"You get ready for bed and I'll clean up," Harm called over his shoulder.

Ten minutes later, Harm was putting his coat on just as Mac made her way from her bedroom, in her pyjamas and fluffy slippers. She looked so gorgeous; Harm couldn't help but smile at her.

"What?" asked Mac, head tilted slightly to the side.

"You're so beautiful," Harm said simply.

His sincerity bringing tears to her eyes, Mac smiled back at him shyly. "So, I'll see you in the morning?"

"I'll be here at 0915. Is that early enough?" he asked.

"Perfect. Thank you, Harm." Mac placed her arms around Harm's waist and hugged him.

"My pleasure." Harm hugged her back, kissing the top of her head.

"Goodnight, Harm," Mac said as she reluctantly released him.

"Goodnight, Mac, don't forget to lock up," he whispered back as he turned and left.

The memorial service had been, as expected, as sombre affair. There were more people there than Mac had expected, but then, the Webb family had ties in a number of circles throughout the States. The 'official' cause of death was reported as being accidental drowning following a boating mishap. As expected, the Company denied any knowledge of Clay's involvement in any operation that may have contributed to his untimely death. There was, however, a new star on the wall at Langley.

Harm had been by Mac's side throughout the service; a quiet pillar of support, occasionally taking her hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze or giving her a reassuring smile. Just as he was now, sitting by her side on her couch. Harm had taken her to lunch, after the service. He had insisted that she needed to eat something, knowing she hadn't had anything for breakfast, before bringing her back to her apartment. She had told him that she hadn't slept at all the night before, her mind unable to power down. She was emotionally drained and it showed. The last week taking its toll on her, Mac had quietly withdrawn into herself, as she usually did when things got too much for her. But for once, she didn't push Harm away, for which he was very grateful. Harm, for his part, didn't push her to talk but was quietly _there_, should she need him in any way.

Suddenly looking down at her and seeing a far away look in her eyes, he asked gently, "Penny for your thoughts?" although he really didn't expect a response. She had hardly said two words since arriving back at her apartment.

"I told him I loved him," she said in a whisper. Harm placed his arm around her shoulders, but said nothing. Leaning into him, Mac continued, "I told him I did, but I truly realized today that I didn't."

Harm released and breathed a quiet sigh of relief. At the same time, he was confused.

As if reading his mind, Mac said, "I mean I cared about him, very much. But I wasn't in love with him. And I guess I feel guilty."

"Mac, you shouldn't feel guilty because you didn't love him. You should never apologize for how you feel."

"No, I …I feel guilty that I'm not devastated by his death. I feel guilty that I'm…I'm okay. I'm sad he's gone, but I'm okay," Mac clarified.

"Mac, you're the strongest person I know," Harm said, kissing the side of her head, "Don't ever feel guilty about that."

**So, what do you think so far? Any good?? Should I continue??**

_**LET ME KNOW!!**_


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you all for your great reviews. I haven't written anything in awhile, so this has encouraged me to keep writing. Now, onto part 2: the rating has now changed to M for adult content, so don't say I didn't tell you so! Deep breath, here you go...

See Part 1 for disclaimer

PART 2

TWO WEEKS LATER

JAG HEADQUARTERS

FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

MONDAY 1312 LOCAL

Ten days. Not such a long time in the scheme of things. He had been away on longer assignments before. So why was she missing him so much this time? Mac had returned to work on the Thursday after Webb's memorial service, and Harm had promptly been sent TAD to Afghanistan, the very next morning. He had managed to email her three times to update her on his case and to check on how she was. Maybe that's what she missed: his constant, caring attention which she had gotten used to since the Admiral's Dining Out. No one had ever been so concerned about her well-being since her Uncle Matt, and yes, she missed it. It didn't help that she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in over two weeks. She kept having that recurring nightmare every single night, and because of her lack of sleep, her concentration and nerves were shot. Even the staff were keeping their distance from her, and only dealt with her with fear and trepidation, when absolutely necessary.

'If only Harm were here,' she thought. She knew she had to deal with the underlying cause of her nightmares; she needed to talk to someone. And the only person she trusted enough was Harm. But, at the same time, this involved Harm on a deeper level than she felt ready to deal with. She really was between the proverbial rock and hard place. Having returned from lunch with Harriet, the only person game enough to be around her these days, Mac flopped down in her chair and turned on her computer. Skimming through her emails, she was surprised to see one from Harm as she had only heard from him the day before. Her disposition brightened markedly as she read:

_Hey Mac,_

_Great news! I finally got a break on the case and it looks like I'll be back for the weekend. Fancy sharing dinner with a sailor Saturday night? I won't get home until late Friday night, so I'll call you Saturday morning to confirm. Take care, Marine._

_I miss you, Harm_

HARM'S APARTMENT

NORTH OF UNION STATION,

WASHINGTON, DC

SATURDAY, 0152 LOCAL

The four days since receiving Harm's email seemed to have dragged into forever. Work at headquarters had been hectic, for which Mac was very thankful, as she had had no time to think about the fact that she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in three weeks. She continued to have the same recurring nightmare every night and was now running purely on adrenalin, her sense of duty and gallons of marine-strength black coffee; the three things which had always gotten her through the tough times in her life since giving up alcohol. However, tonight, she had reached her limit. Like athletes who pushed their bodies to the outer limits only to hit the _wall_ yards from the finish line, Mac fell into a heap when she had driven straight to Harm's apartment after work, only to find it empty.

His car was nowhere in sight as she drove up to his apartment around 2200, after working late, Mac felt panic rise up inside her. She had hoped Harm would be home from assignment and that she could talk to him about her persistent nightmares, and then hopefully go home for a good night's sleep. It had taken her four days to sum up the courage to actually talk to Harm, and to now not have that opportunity was just too much to take and she burst into tears. Looking down at the set of keys in her hand, Mac had made her way upstairs and let herself into Harm's apartment. A month ago, she would never have dreamed of doing such a thing; but desperate times called for desperate measures. She had only intended to sit and wait for Harm to arrive, but after half an hour of pacing his apartment in tears, Mac found herself up the few stairs to his bedroom. She was beyond exhaustion and the bed looked so inviting.

Now close to 0200, Harm walked into his apartment and was immediately on alert finding the table lamp lit. Placing his sea bag quietly by the door, Harm quickly scanned the living area, and finding nothing unusual apart from the lit lamp, made his way to his bedroom. Finding a sleeping marine in his bed, Harm's heart melted. Stopping at his chest of drawers to get a fresh pair of boxers and a T-shirt, he tiptoed to the bathroom and took a quick shower, as quietly as he could.

As he was combing his hair, Harm heard a blood-curdling scream "No!" causing him to instinctively drop his comb in the sink and run into his bedroom. There he found Mac thrashing about in bed, crying "No" repeatedly. He sat on the edge of the bed trying to rouse her from an obvious nightmare, which was no easy feat. Finally waking, Mac wrapped her arms around Harm's neck sobbing for several minutes.

"I hate being like this. I'm sorry to seem so needy," she said, clinging to him.

"You're far from needy, Mac," he replied, loving the feel of her in his arms.

"Well, what would you call this, then?"

"Heaven," he sighed, the filter between his brain and his mouth not working properly at this late hour.

Pulling slightly away from him, but not releasing him, Mac looked into Harm's eyes.

"Did I say that out loud?" Harm asked, swallowing a huge lump in his throat.

Mac simply nodded, still staring into his eyes. Her eyes slowly moved down to his mouth a second before she pressed her lips gently onto his. Harm was surprised for an instant before he felt her tongue skim his lower lip, then totally surrendered, opening his mouth and his heart to her. Their tongues met tentatively, exploring each other gently, slowly. Neither of them wanting the moment to end, they kissed for a long time, losing themselves in each other.

Finally pausing for much needed air, Harm took in Mac's tearstained face and dark circles under her eyes.

"You haven't been sleeping," he stated, concern etched on his face as he ran his right hand through her hair.

Mac shook her head but didn't respond, except to snuggle back into Harm's arms.

"Bad dreams?" Harm asked softly.

"Mmmhmm," Mac murmured.

"Anything I can do to help?"

"You're doing it."

Harm held Mac tighter, gently stroking her back, desperately wanting to take her pain away, whatever it was.

"Want to talk about it?"

"In the morning; we're both exhausted," Mac answered, smoothing her hand over Harm's chest.

"Okay," Harm kissed the top of her head as he crawled into bed next to Mac, never letting her go. They both fell asleep in each other's arms within moments, the bathroom light forgotten.

HARM'S APARTMENT

NORTH OF UNION STATION,

WASHINGTON, DC

SATURDAY, 0847 LOCAL

Harm awoke first, pleasantly surprised to find Mac still in his arms. Gently brushing her hair back from her face, Harm looked down at her sleeping form. She was so beautiful. Her beauty was one of the first things that attracted him to her; not only her physical beauty, for she was definitely exquisite, but her inner beauty. The way she had overcome the many obstacles in her life, not allowing them to harden her heart, was one of the most attractive things about her. Harm sighed deeply. He was madly in love with Mac; had been for many years, although he had only recently admitted it to himself. And, now, here she was in his shirt, in his bed and in his arms. He couldn't hold it inside him any longer; he just had to tell her.

Running his fingers through her hair, he marvelled at how silky soft it was and was sure he would never tire of doing this. Letting his hand come down to gently caress her cheek, he thought that he really should let her sleep, as she stirred under his touch. But he couldn't stop himself, as he slowly bent his head to place soft barely-there kisses all over her face. As he made his way along her jaw line to her ear, she moaned softly and snaked her hands around his neck pulling him closer still. It was his turn to moan when Mac ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his neck. Harm lifted his head and, noticing Mac's eyes still closed, placed the softest kiss on her lips. The kiss deepened and mouths were explored thoroughly for long minutes. When Harm finally came up for air, he looked at Mac, whose eyes were still closed.

"Open your eyes, Mac."

"No," she answered shaking her head.

"Why not?" Harm asked, confused. Had he done something wrong, that she didn't want to look at him?

"Because I'm afraid this might be just a dream," she answered in a small voice.

"Sarah, look at me, please."

Slowly, Mac complied as Harm ran his fingers through her hair yet again. He looked deep into her eyes wanting to make sure he had her undivided attention before he spoke.

"I love you so much, it hurts."

A small tear escaped from Mac's eye as she said "I love you, too."

Harm kissed her again, this time with far more passion. She loved him: all his dreams had come true. The kiss became heated, Harm's hand finding its way under Mac's shirt. She moaned into his mouth as his hand cupped her full breast, his thumb gently brushing over her now taut nipple. She arched her back, desperate to get closer to him as her own hands went on a quest of their own. Her right hand found its mark as it snaked down his chest, over his abdomen, her fingers dipping under the waist of his boxers. Harm gently stilled her hand and, dragging his mouth away from hers gasped, "Let's not end this before it's begun…I'm so close and, uh, it's been awhile." He smiled shyly, which only served to make Mac want him all the more.

Sitting up, Mac grabbed the hem of her shirt and slowly pulled the garment over her head, revealing herself to him for the very first time.

"Oh God, you're even more beautiful than I ever imagined," he breathed as his hands came up to gently knead her breasts.

"You imagined?" Mac asked shyly.

"More times than I can remember," he answered humbly as he leaned in to take one peaked nipple into his mouth. Mac gasped as she grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled him closer. He devoured first one breast, then the other, driving Mac crazy with desire. She pulled at his shirt, desperate to get it off him, but at the same time unwilling for him to stop what he was doing to her. Harm, sensing this, quickly ripped the shirt over his head is one swift movement and returned to his task before Mac knew what had happened. He gently leaned her back onto the bed and proceeded to explore every inch of her. Massaging both her breasts with his strong hands, his mouth was then free to go on a journey southwards to a place he longed to go. He kissed his way down to her abdomen, pausing briefly to lick her belly button, causing Mac to writhe under him. She grabbed at his shoulders, trying in vain to pull him back up to her. But Harm would not be deterred; he was a man on a mission. His hands still occupied with her breasts, his mouth continued on its journey. He kissed her through her panties, and then licked her, causing Mac's hips to lift off the bed. He was driving her insane.

"Harm, please…" she begged, now digging her nails into his shoulders, desperate to drag him back up to her, where she needed him.

Harm brought his hands down to her waist, Mac missing his touch instantly. He gently removed her panties and placed a soft kiss on her curls.

"Later, Harm. I need you now," Mac cried.

Harm smiled, and, finally relenting he made his way back up to her and kissed her soundly. Mac loved the feel of her breasts pressed firmly against his chest and moved her hands to his waist, to push his boxers off. She needed to feel all of him. They both sighed as they lay pressed together for the first time, face to face, on their sides. Mac was almost giddy with anticipation as she felt Harm, hard, pressed against her tummy. He kissed her tenderly and asked "Are you sure this is okay?" The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her and it had barely been a month since her surgery.

Mac lifted her leg over his hip and hoarsely whispered, "More than sure."

"I love you," he said before kissing her deeply as he gently eased into her. He loved her with long, slow strokes, using every ounce of control he could muster. He was in awe of the fact that he was making love with Sarah MacKenzie. His Sarah. He didn't want to hurt her for anything in the world. Reading his mind, it would seem, Mac urged him on saying, "It's okay, Harm, you won't hurt me." At her urging, Harm quickened the pace and, encouraged as Mac was meeting him stroke for stroke, he relaxed as they fell into a rhythm all their own. Before long, Mac felt the beginnings of her release and pulled Harm's buttocks hard towards her, driving him deeper within her. She whimpered Harm's name against his lips, signalling to him that she was close.

"I'm right with you, Sarah, let yourself go," he urged between ragged breaths. Moments later, he felt her release, which quickly triggered his own. For long moments Harm was soaring high; higher than he'd ever been in any of his beloved jets. And as he slowly descended, he realized that his favorite place to be was no longer inside the cockpit of a Tomcat, but right there, inside his Sarah. He pulled her close towards him as he reached over behind her to grab the duvet to cover them. He showered her with kisses and words of love as he felt her relax into him and before long, both were asleep yet again.

Harm awoke almost two hours later, alone. Hearing the shower, he breathed a sigh of relief. She was still there. He got up slowly and made his way to the bathroom. Pausing briefly to relieve himself, he turned to see Mac in the shower, her back to him.

"Need some help?" he asked as he walked into the shower, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her ear. Mac tensed briefly but didn't answer. As he made his way across her jaw line, he realized for the first time that she was crying.

"Honey, what's wrong?" he asked as he turned her gently in his arms. He tried to pull her into an embrace but she put her hand up against his chest.

"No. Harm, you have to stay away from me. Please."

"What?" he exclaimed.

"I can't give you what you want," she said with tears streaming down her face.

"And what is it I want?" Harm was desperately trying to understand what had gotten into her.

"A family…children," she stammered.

Harm turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap around Mac. He then grabbed one for himself and wrapped it around his waist. Placing an arm around her shoulder he guided her back to the bedroom and sat her down on the edge of the bed.

"Mac, I love you and…"

"I love you too, but it's not enough." She looked up into his questioning eyes. "Eventually, it won't be enough…months, years down the track you'll resent the fact that I can't give you children." Mac took a breath and Harm took the opportunity to cut in.

"What brought this on?" he asked quietly, caressing her shoulder.

"I had another dream. Same dream every night and it's haunting me. It's like it's telling me I have to let you go."

"Tell me about the dream," he urged, wanting to get to the heart of the problem.

Mac spent the next few minutes recounting the dream she now knew off by heart whilst Harm listened, his heart breaking for the woman he loved.

"Oh Mac, honey, it's not telling you to let me go…and even if it did, I would never let _you _go." Harm pulled her into a fierce embrace and continued. "I think maybe it's telling you to let go of the dream of having my child, not _me_."

"But I want you to be happy, and you've always wanted children," she started to say.

"Yes, I have and I will have them. _We_ will have them, one way or another. And, if having children means I can't have you, then I don't want them." Harm tipped Mac's chin up with his index finger. "Mac, I love you with every fiber of my being, and after this morning, you are a part of me. A part I wouldn't survive without," he told her with all the love and sincerity he could convey.

"I love you so much," Mac said a moment before his lips met hers in a tender kiss.

"Besides, four percent isn't zero percent," he whispered optimistically against her lips. "It just means we'll have to try a little harder than others." He kissed her deeply this time.

"Are you up to the challenge?" Mac asked breathlessly.

"I've never backed down from a challenge, Mac." Harm took her hand and placed it on his groin. "And I'm definitely _up_ for it," he growled, pushing her back gently onto the bed. Their love-making was much more energetic than their first time; they were on a mission and a goal needed to be attained. And, as such, they poured their hearts and souls into it. Afterwards, they lay sated and exhausted in each other's arms. Harm was drawing circles on Mac's back with his finger, as she drifted off to sleep.

"Mac, would you do me a favor?"

"Mmm?"

"Don't give up on the dream of having my child."

"But, the dream?"

"I don't care about the dream. I made a promise and you know I always keep my promises." He kissed the top of her head.

"Okay," she answered and kissed his chest.

"Oh, and Mac, another thing?"

"Mmmhmm?" she asked a little frustrated that he wouldn't let her go to sleep.

"Will you marry me?" he asked, holding his breath for the answer.

After interminable seconds, Mac lifted her head up from his chest, and looked into his eyes.

"Yes, I would love to marry you," she answered, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

Placing her head back onto Harm's chest, Mac drifted off to sleep to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat. And she never had that dream again.

The End

**So??? Tell me!!!**


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